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splinterswerve
Calgary, Alberta, Canada
splinterswerve.hotmail.com
by Shane Day
Somewhere in a busy city on a busy street, busy people went about their business taking no notice of the deliberately silly antics of two lovers. Bumbino and Bumbalita Bumbees. Happy lovers who sang and danced through the city undisturbed by the same things that occupied the rest of the people. They improvised their songs and moved in ways so ridiculous it didn’t seem like dancing at all.‘They stroll like they’ve been waltzing for years,’ from a park bench, during a dreary grey day in Dublin, they were admired by a giant.
Bumbino stuck out his rear and twisted it from side to side, while Bumbalita seemed more keen on giving her body a bounce, clucking like a chicken while at the same time sliding her feet around like a swinger. Every now and then their dancing would bring them close, at which point they didn’t waste time to steal a kiss from each other.
The giant wanted to support their loveliness, provide for them, act as a curator for them. So it was, the giant invited the Bumbees to his home, a world deserted long ago by all its living inhabitants. He described with a smile and a soft, passionate voice, places he was quite fond of. A building, where literary icons, centuries old, would come to make love to their compassionate and severe muses. A great highway that took the infamous traveler Tawdry Welks and his pulp companion Jander Cole, the whole of their lives to cross from one side to another. This highway, enormous in length, cut through the center of a lush and verdant landscape, rich in colour and philosophy. The giants smile grew and his eyes raised as he told the lovers how it was there, acros that landscape, that history’s first cloned slave Lu.Lu. first wandered looking to understand the great philosophies of death and dieing.
The Bumbees agreed this place truly sounded amazing. A land now empty of all its fantasy and wonder-
‘No,’ interrupted the giant, ‘the fantasy and wonder remain. Only the people have gone.
This made Bumbino and Bumbalita wonder if the giant was to be trusted, for all he spoke of was a desert place. He never, in his talks, explains where the travellers traveled to when they reached the end of the highway ? Or what became of the slaves philosophies ? Were they to replace the literary icons in the building of timeless magic ? Were one of them to be the artist and the other a compassionate and severe muse ?
Now, for anyone who knows anything about giants, knows that they have very large appetites. And to please a giant isn’t always easy. When a giant wants something, they usually get it. Even if they don't deserve it. This giant, while wanting nothing more than to show Bumbino and Bumbalita his World and encourage them to play and be merry, he, half-wittedly, locked them into his quiet and comfortable attic while he rested. He did this without accommodating them with a key and a door, not even with a window. He really didn’t mean to do this, he wasn’t acting out of some sort of malice, you see.
It’s simple, when the giant uses his brain so much to tell tales, he exhausts himself in the telling and grows tired quickly. So it was, that the giant, asleep, had no knowledge that he had enslaved them the garret of
his home.Now, let’s be fair, everyone needs rest, but the giant slept for 25 years. And for 25 years defeated by the heavy snoring of the giant, Bumbino and Bumbalita Bumbees were unable to speak. Which inevitably made it impossible for them to carry on in improvised singing.
Somewhere in those 25 years, perhaps at the beginning or somewhere in the middle, the vision of this sleeping giant had made them both lethargic and incapable of rousing eachother to dance their silly dances. How sad that everything the giant had hoped to encourage was instead made lame. Having given up a long time ago to escape , bored and frustrated, Bumbino sat staring up the cavernous nostrils of his sleeping captor. Thinking, always thinking, Bumbalita devised new plans for escape. All her ideas were good ones, they always were, but waking a sleeping giant wasn’t easy. It wasn’t very much like Bumbalita to invite such gross acts of behavior, however, she awoke in herself the need for action. She looked up at Bumbino and gave him the cutest look she could, bashful and sweet. Her eyes were half shut and rolled back in her head, her arm stiff and paraboled she pointed to her buttocks.
Bumbino grinned. How adorable a woman he had, how sweet and lovely. He knew exactly what his lovely Bumbalita was saying ; ‘Open my gate.’ Which really meant; ‘spread my butt cheeks I’m about to fart.’
He leaned forward, reached one hand around her, clasping firmly onto her beautiful big heart shaped arse and pulled one cheek away from the other. He kissed the top right part of her mouth, looking with a grin into her hazel-coloured eyes, enhaling her perfumed breath and waited. There’s always that moment before Bumbalita passes her flowery gas, and closes her eyes in anticipation. This moment arrived, and Bumbino, knowing what was coming, opened his ears.
If you can imagine the sound of wind with a pleasing sense of laughter, than you might just be able to hear the warm exhalation from Bumbalitas open heart-shaped arse, and even smell its yoghurty punch before her body booms with laughter like a thunder-cloud.
Bumbinos eyes were shut, and his nose refused air, his mouth was cracked, and he found it very difficult to fight the urge to break out laughing with her. Until, of course, he realised he was able to join in her laughter, the giants snoring had stopped. He quickly looked toward that fat face and saw that, although still fast asleep, the giant was grimacing.
Bumbalitas continued laughter, now at the contorted face of the waking goliath became greater and more hysterical, knowing that he was waking, after all this time, to a very unfamiliar and unusual stench from the avenues of her butt.
His eyes opened wide, then focused narrowly. The giant sat up in his bed and saw for the first time in 25 years the couple he had neglected. They were still smiling, laughing, and playing. He watched as they were leaping into one another's arms, kissing and singing. He wiped his eyes clean with his palms, and asked how long had he been sleeping.
Bumbino answered, ‘long enough for a lot of dreams to come and go.’ The giant nodded, understanding what was meant by this and said, ‘I will show you now, one of the most amazing places, you’ll be the first to see it.’ And with that, the giant sat up at his type-writer and began typing up his masterpiece.